“Divorce is painful and expensive but abusive partners are death.” – Anonymous

                                    

                                         

             

                  

         (+234) 8094955338 – Save the Men

“Divorce is painful and expensive but abusive partners are death.” – Anonymous

The ordinary intention of any marriage relationship is for the couple to remain together “till death do them part.” However, as they continue to grow, stay and relate together, a lot of changes would occur. Some of these changes could be “hidden” undesirable personal traits. This is the reason why tolerance plays a great deal in the lives of married partners.

Where these conflicting traits are not properly managed, they are likely to result in frequent disagreements and may develop into an intolerable abusive behaviour or even threat of divorce.

Management of an abusive spouse is a critical problem partly because marriage continues to be viewed as a desirable and necessary societal status. In Nigeria for instance, couples are usually counseled to accommodate each other and remain together regardless of the level and frequency of conflicts in their relationship. This implies that divorce should be avoided as much as possible in the face of disputes or dangerous violent behaviours in their marriages. The common excuse for this counsel of remaining together often bordered on effects of separation on the lives of their offspring. Another reason is the societal stigmatization of the female spouse in becoming a single mother. Little wonder for the usual “reluctance” of Magistrate Courts in separating many intending divorcees.

Experts say that divorced individuals, compared to their married counterparts, have higher levels of psychological distress, substance abuse, and depression, as well as lower levels of overall health. Marital conflict and divorce have also shown to be associated with negative child outcomes including lower academic success, poorer psychological well-being and increased depression and anxiety.

This is why speaking out is encouraged, particularly for male victims of domestic violence as a way of seeking possible intervention of trusted friends or relatives. This step would likely check his abusive spouse. Thus reducing the chances of separation or loss of life.

Tips for preventing divorce

After numerous years of collecting stories about the best and worst ways to handle marriage, separation, and divorce, the editors of Divorce Magazine have decided to offer some of their tips about divorce prevention.

These 10 suggestions might help you get to the point where you want to work things out with your current spouse, or they will help you in your next relationship. Either way, this advice is worth the read.

·         Make time to connect lovingly with your spouse every day.

·         Compliment your spouse regularly – both in private and in front of others.

·         Love your spouse in the way she wants to be loved.

·         Take care of your appearance.

·         Remain faithful – Dr. Finnegan Alford-Cooper studies 576 couples who had been married for 50 years or more; in 1998, she released her findings in the book For Keep: Marriages that last a Lifetime. In her study, she found that 95 percent of the spouses agreed that fidelity was essential to a successful marriage, and 94 percent agreed or strongly agreed that marriage is a long-term commitment to one person. And these “lifers” weren’t making the best of a bad lot: a whopping 90 percent of the couples she surveyed said that they were happily married after 50-plus years.

·         Do things together

·         Spend time apart – You don’t have to love everything your partner loves, but you do have to allow her the freedom to pursue cherished hobbies.

·         Be friends with your partner.

·         The Terms of Endearment – Divorce Attorney Stacy D. Phillips says gifts are all wonderful tokens of love, but if you really want your romance to last, according to her, you must practise some marriage-saving steps. She advises couples to spell out the basics of their relationship in a yearly contract – or at least to clarify them. “Most disputes that break up marriages are over sex and money.” She says. Don’t let surprises lead to trouble. Marriage is like any other contract: its terms and conditions must be reviewed and updated.” She concludes.

·         Say “I love you” every day – This is especially important when you’re not feeling the sensation of love; at these times, you have to actively generate it. Saying those three little words, and performing loving gestures, will warm both your and your spouse’s hearts.

 

References:

1.       Domestic Violence against Men: Balancing the Gender Issues in Nigeria – Anthony Abayomi Adebayo.

2.       Reasons for Divorce and Recollections of Premarital Intervention: Implications for Improving Relationship Education – Shebly B. Scott, Galena K. Rhoades, Scott M. Stanley, Elizabeth S. Allen, and Howard J. Markman.

3.       iVillage

4.       Divorce Magazine.