ERADICATION
OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN
Verbal
Abuse Breeds Physical Violence in Romantic Relationships
It is important to note
and be reminded that marriage is an institution established by God Himself. The
first marriage in the Bible was between the first man and first woman on earth,
in the persons of Adam and Eve. They lived together with their respective and
joint responsibilities to fulfill the covenant of God for fruitfulness and
multiplication.
It won't therefore, be
out of order to make reference to the Word of God i.e. the Bible for a deeper
analysis of the subject matter. The Book of Proverbs 14:29 says "Whoever is slow to anger has great
understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly."
Here, the Bible makes
us to understand that we are all naturally prone to anger. Hence, anyone can be
angry at any time and for any reason, depending on individual’s disposition.
Disposition determines one’s character.
The exposition of the
above Bible verse is teaching us that the time frame between the annoying
offence and the reaction time and motive, play a significant role in
determining whether the offended person applies wisdom or exaggerates
foolishness.
The relevance of this
Bible verse is that more often than not, verbal abusers will always give excuse
of being angry to justify their behaviour. This is why their verbal abuse is
spontaneous in most times without weighing the emotional consequences on their
victims.
Abuse of any form, be
it verbal, physical, emotional, mental or violent eats you up from the inside
out. It crushes your self-esteem and disconnects you from life. They make you
feel non-existence.
Verbal abuse involves
using words to name-call, bully, demean, frighten, intimidate, or control
another person. This can include overt verbal abuse such as yelling, screaming,
or swearing. Such behaviors are attempts to gain power, and the goal is to
control and intimidate you into submission.
When you are facing
verbal abuse regularly, which I have experienced on several occasions, there is
all likelihood of physical abuse following it. In my experience, a spouse that
is verbally abusive may not be physically abusive, but there can be threat of
escalation especially if the victim tries to escape the verbal abuse by walking
away. The verbal abuser could block you by locking your cloth or denying you access
to the exit door. This is because the primary intention of the abuser is to depress
you emotionally and this can only be achieved by your listening presence. In the
course of preventing you from walking away, any resistance from you may escalate
to physical assault from your abuser.
More often than not, a lot of physical
assaults from the victims of verbal abuse, particularly the men against their
abusers, are triggered by the excessive provocation from verbal abuse. It is
important to note that some men are emotionally more stable than others. So if
a man can no longer condone the verbal abuse, the retaliatory reaction may
involve physical assault or a violent attack on his abuser.
Where this happens, there is high
probability of a counter-attack from the verbal abuser by way of defending
herself. Again, women believe that men are always capable of defending
themselves physically, so the first step by a woman verbal abuser to defend herself
is to attempt to harm the man or actually harming him with any harmful
instrument found in the immediate environment.
If you are a victim of verbal abuse, it
is important to note and study your abuser closely to observe when her verbal
abuse could escalate to physical assault.
Sometimes you can see
the progression of yelling and intimidation to punching or throwing and
breaking things. At a time your verbal abuser may begin to intentionally damage
your personal belongings thus giving you an indication that it could result in
bodily injuries if you ignore such behaviors or signs.
Generally speaking, no
form of abuse, verbal, physical or otherwise should be overlooked. There can always
be the chance of verbal abuse turning physical assault if the conditions are
toxic enough to warrant it.
Life becomes more
difficult where the abusive spouse intentionally determined to be inconsiderate
in her demands. For instance, when a woman decides to be abusive, there could hardly
be any excuse acceptable to her for any unsettled household needs or her personal
demand.
Many additional factors
can come into play when you are facing domestic abuse. From children's needs in
the home to financial difficulties; it can be stressful and challenging to
navigate life away from your abuser.
At this juncture, it is
important to talk about the likely factors that could warrant verbal abuse from
a man’s spouse. Being the head of the family, the man is primarily responsible
to meet the family needs – personal needs, wife’s needs, children’s needs and
household needs. This is particularly applicable in an African traditional
family setting. However, where modern marriages encourage the wife to assist in
meeting some of these needs, the usual implication is that the man may
instantly loose his respect from the wife. For this reason, husbands in many educated
couples would prefer to carry the home responsibilities alone.
From the point of view
of this seemingly heavy burden of domestic responsibility, the man may
sometimes be found wanting in meeting up. If your wife does not ordinarily take
a “No” for an answer on the issue of lack of money to meet some needs, then she
is likely to become verbally abusive with time. Note that endurance is key to
every successful marriage.
It is also important to
note that being abusive is a behavioral pattern adopted or learned through upbringing
in an abusive environment or via poor parenting by an individual. It is
essentially used to control or manipulate another person. In effect, it is just
sufficient to have an abusive woman as a wife, then you can almost be sure that
nothing satisfies her, except to take pleasure in insulting you as a
“good-for-nothing” man. Another noted trait of an abusive spouse is that she is
very likely to be a nagging woman. She would nag to justify her verbal abusive
behavior. Another disheartening character of a verbal abuser is that it is
highly possible for her to have bad anger management. Such partners are easily
irritated.
The Bible also tells us
in Proverbs 21:19 that “It is better
to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and nagging wife.”
Domestic abuse against
men happens within many dynamics, even if it is not talked about regularly. One
specific area of such abuse that is not often readily apparent involves men who
suffer verbal abuse. However, just because there might not be a lot of pertinent
case numbers or stories about this does not mean this issue doesn't happen. For
many men, dealing with verbal abuse is a common, problematic reality in their lives.
Verbal
abuse can take many different forms, including, but not limited to the
following:
• Blaming - This type involves making victims believe they are
responsible for the abusive behavior or that they bring the verbal abuse upon
themselves.
• Criticism - This involves harsh and persistent remarks that are
meant to make the person feel bad about themselves and are not constructive but
deliberate and hurtful.
• Humiliation - When you are insulted in public by a peer, a friend,
a spouse or a dating partner, this can be particularly painful.
• Judging - This type of verbal abuse involves looking down on the
victim, not accepting them for who they are or holding them to unrealistic
expectations.
• Manipulation - Using words to manipulate and control the other
person is also a type of verbal abuse. This may involve guilt trips to get you
do certain things.
• Name-Calling - Abusive, derogatory language, or insults that chip
away at the target's self-esteem, sense of self-worth, and self-concept.
Anytime someone engages in name-calling, it is a form of verbal abuse.
·
Threats
-
This involves statements meant to frighten, control, and manipulate the victim
into compliance. However, no threat should be taken lightly. A verbal abuser
may make threatening statements like: “For me and you, it is do or die.”
When people make threats,
they are trying to control and manipulate you.
Some
signs that you are experiencing verbal abuse include when:
(a) You are afraid of your abuser.
(b)
You feel like you cannot share
things about yourself with them for fear that they will mock or ridicule you.
(c)
You are afraid to go out in public
with them because of what they will say about you in front of other people.
(d) You
feel threatened.
(e) You feel as if you are constantly being put
down about how you look, think, act, dress or talk.
(f) You feel inferior or ashamed about who you
are.
(g) They suggest that they are the victim and
try to make you feel guilty about something they accuse you of doing.
(h) They hide this verbal abuse when you are
around other people but act completely different when you are alone.
Impact
of verbal abuse on the victim
Verbal abuse can impact
every element of life, from academic performance to relationship, to success at
work, and to wellness. Just like any other form of abuse, verbal abuse has both
short- and long-term consequences on the victim which include:
- Anxiety
- Changes in mood
- Chronic stress
- Decreased
self-esteem.
- Depression.
- Feeling of shame,
guilt, and hopelessness.
- Post-traumatic stress
disorder (PTSD)
- Social withdrawal and
isolation
-Substance use.
From my personal
experience, when verbal abuse is particularly severe, it can impact whether or
not people can see themselves as being successful in any area of life.
It is not uncommon for
a person who is verbally abused to feel inadequate, stupid and worthless. In
some cases, they are explicitly told they are these things by the person abusing
them.
For example, your abuser
will call you stupid, a fool, an idiot, a “good-for-nothing” and sometimes
unprintable curses.
What
to do about verbal abuse
The first step in
dealing with verbal abuse is to recognize the abuse. If you were able to
identify any type of verbal abuse in your relationship, it is important to
acknowledge that first and foremost. From my experience as a victim of verbal
abuse, by being honest about what you are experiencing, you can begin to take
steps to regain control over your life. While you need to consider your
individual situation and circumstances, the following tips can help if you find
yourself in a verbally abusive relationship:
1. Immediately call out the
Behaviour
Try to call out the
abuse when it happens by requesting the person to stop the behaviour. If they don't
listen, safely remove yourself from the situation. Consider limiting your interactions
with this person. In this way you will not expose yourself to her criticism, or
“corrections” which are intentionally intended to create room for verbal abuse
against you.
2.
Set Boundaries
Firmly tell the
verbally abusive person that they may have to stop to insult, criticize, judge
or shame you, name-call, threaten you, and so on. Then tell them what will
happen if they continue this abusive behaviour. For instance, tell them that if
they scream or swear at you any longer, you will walk away from home.
The key is to follow
through; do not set boundaries you have no intention of keeping.
3. Limit Exposure
If possible, take time
away from the verbally abusive person and spend time with people who love and
support you. Limiting exposure with the person can give you space to reevaluate
your relationship. Surrounding yourself with a network of friends and family
will help you feel less lonely and isolated and remind you of what a healthy
relationship should look like.
4. Seek Help
Healing from a
verbally abusive relationship may not be something you can do on your own.
Reach out to trusted loved ones for support, and consider talking to a
therapist who can help you process your emotions and develop healthy coping
skills or dealing with the short- and long-term consequences of verbal abuse.
5. End the Relationship
If there are no signs
that the verbal abuse will end, or that the person has any intention of working
on their behaviour, you may likely need to take steps to end the relationship.
The fear is that you may not enjoy any bit of the relationship without your
abuser’s intention to have a rethink.
Elder Adedini
Oluropo
0802 333 7449
#ZeroToleranceToDomesticViolence
#MenAreEquallyVictims
#SpeakingOutIsIt
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