Intimate Partner Violence against Men:
Effect of Nagging on Victim’s Life Expectancy
Research
has found that intimate partner violence can manifest in numerous forms
involving, but not restricted to psychological, physical, sexual, social and financial
abuse (Dobash & Dobash 1978; Russell, 2012; Walker, 1989).
Letellier
(1996) suggested perpetrators of all genders and sexualities purposely adapt
their abuse to the vulnerabilities of their victims.
Nagging
can therefore be purposely adapted by a woman to abuse her male spouse. To nag
is “to keep complaining to somebody about their behaviour or keep asking them
to do something.” – Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary.
According
to Webster’s Dictionary, Nagging is “to irritate by constant scolding or
urging.” One of the main problems with
nagging is that pleading/complaining/urging isn’t effective and rarely gets
“the nagger” what he/she really wants. (Diana Marie Collins 2020).
Research
has shown that male partners are more vulnerable to nagging as a domestic abuse
from their female partners. Women often take nagging for granted because they
see the act as a form of making request from their male partners.
The
act of nagging could be used to belittle or to discomfort the man. Hence, there
is hardly anything the man can do in the home that would not warrant complaints
from the nagging spouse. The attitude can really get the man down and wears him
out psychologically. Nagging is an abusive element of intimate partner
violence.
The
effect of nagging on the male victim is more psychological than physical.
Danish Researchers from the University of Copenhagen said having a nagging
partner can significantly shorten one’s life, and could result in three extra
deaths per 100 people per year. The study also said people nagged by their
spouses are more likely to get heart disease and cancer.
The signs you’re nagging are
probably more obvious to your partner than they are to you. "Generally, if you're on the receiving
end when someone is nagging, you feel like you're being controlled and asked to
submit to someone else's plan for you," life coach Nicole Burley says.
"You don't necessarily feel inspired to do that thing on your own."
(Diana Marie Collins 2020)
Diana gives nine signs of
nagging and some helpful tips on how to stop nagging
1. You ask for something
more than twice.
According to relationship
expert Margaret Paul, "Requesting what you want from your partner a
couple of times is important, but after that, it is not helpful."
She says the third time you ask your partner to do something, it becomes
nagging, not a request.
Try this instead: Instead of voicing
your request a third time, the communication gap needs to be addressed head-on.
"Instead of nagging, you need
to say, 'I'd like to understand what is happening with this issue. Why is there
a problem? Is there a way we can work this out?' And then be open to
whatever his response may be."
Dr. Amy Johnson advises that the
second request should be in exactly the same tone and manner of the first.
Letting judgment slip into your tone will quickly shift the request into
nagging territory.
She suggests using positive
reinforcement as the alternative to nagging. Rather than focusing on what your
partner is not doing, put your efforts towards praising what he/she is doing
right.
2. Your request isn't
really about the dishes.
Nagging can be a form of
controlling behavior. "Nagging is a form of control where you keep at
someone, trying to get them to do what you want them to do," says Dr.
Paul. "Nagging becomes more than a request, but a way to control,"
Burley adds.
Try this instead: The next time you
get upset about an unmet request, ask yourself: What is this really
about?
It's a common desire to want to
control our lives and our partners, but it's ultimately a futile effort
based on fear of the unknown. Rather than waste your energy trying to
control your partner, practice exploring that fear. Simply acknowledging that
you feel fearful is a great first step.
3. Your statements begin
with "You..."
Relationship expert Denise
Wade says recognizing a "nagging" statement is simple: It starts
with the word "you" (e.g., "You never mow the lawn. You're
supposed to mow the lawn! You always do this"). "You" statements
are associated with blame and are triggers for putting your partner on the
defensive.
Try this instead: Requests start with
the word "I" (e.g., "I'd like you to mow the lawn. I'm wondering
why you didn't mow the lawn).
"I" statements show
you're an active participant in the conversation, not a critic.
4. You feel helpless.
If you're nagging your partner to
quit smoking, stop drinking or to put down the cheeseburger and fries, you may
feel that your nagging is justified because you're concerned about his or her
health.
"We hate feeling
helpless," says Dr. Paul. "We'll see someone smoking or eating poorly
and it scares us that they're harming themselves, so we want to do something
about it. The first time you offer advice, maybe that person will take it. If
they don't, you have to accept your helplessness or leave the
relationship."
Try this instead: First of all, accept
what you do and do not have control over.
Say, for example, your partner
smokes. "You're scared for the person and love them but you're not going
to stop them," says Dr. Paul.
Instead, focus on what you can
control: your own intentions and behavior within the relationship. Want your
partner to take better care of his health? Make sure you are exuding that in
your own life first.
5. Your partner acts out.
"People hate to be controlled,"
Dr. Paul says. "If they feel that they have to give in to a particular
situation, then they may put up resistance in another area of your
relationship." Your partner may also feel rejected. "If someone is
getting nagged, the impression they get is that they're not OK the way they
are."
If your partner believes he or she
has to do things differently in order to be accepted and loved, he or she might
start to retaliate by withdrawing, getting angry, or becoming resentful.
Try this instead: Burley recommends
picking your battles with your partner and to become a scientist observing
yourself and your relationship.
"Observe how often you have
an impulse to tell your partner what they're doing wrong or haven't done,"
she says.
If you feel the urge to criticize,
try keeping every other critique to yourself. As Dr. Johnson recommends, try
using praise more than criticism. It can feel completely unnatural at first,
but the results are more likely to be in line with what you desire than a
nagging approach could ever produce.
6. You feel like a
parent instead of a partner.
Constant nagging can make your
partner feel infantilized and as if they're a disappointment to you. It
also makes the nagger feel authoritarian.
"When you nag you lose your
sense of partnership with the other person. It's like you're wagging your
finger at them like a parent or authority figure," Burley says.
Try this instead: If you're arguing
about chores or finances, set acceptable standards for maintaining your home or
your standard of living so that it will be up to both partners to live up to
those expectations.
"Ideally, you want to be
working towards the same thing so there's no need to nag one another,"
Burley says.
7. You're neglecting
yourself in some way.
If we have to look to someone else
to make us happy because we're unfulfilled or incomplete, we're neglecting our
own needs, Dr. Wade advises.
"Nagging comes from a feeling
that we don't have the resources to make ourselves happy," she says.
"Someone who is nagging is not focusing on themselves. There's too much
time and energy being put on their partner."
Try this instead: Modern psychology tells us
that the things we "hate" or "reject" out in the world are
actually potentials that we ourselves possess.
Do you find yourself chiding your
partner for laziness? Can you think of any area in your life where you're
lazier than you'd like to be?
Owning up to your own shortcomings
and figuring out where you need to do work on yourself will make you a
more self-possessed and empowered partner. Luckily, the same goes with the good
things we see in the world.
Admire your partner's sense of humor? Remember that you have a great one, too, and do your best to bring it out when you are together.
8. Your intimate life has
taken a turn for the worst.
"Nagging is such a passion
killer," says Burley. "You don't want to turn around and hug the
person that's been nagging you."
Try this instead: Psychologist Dr.
John Grohol recommends two tips for getting your sex life back on track: having
open communication, and allowing yourself to feel vulnerable.
Talk about what's really going on
in your relationship without being overly attached to "winning
points" in the conversation.
And in allowing yourself to really
listen to your partner and share some of your own fears or faults, you'll be
putting yourself in a vulnerable position. A position that says "I'm
fallible, too."
This can be a scary place to be,
but the good news: it'll make you a more open and receptive lover.
9. You've lost respect for
your partner.
The topic that most couples bicker
about is surprisingly not money, sex, or even in-laws. The number
one topic couples bicker about is their partner's behaviors or attitudes,
which hardly sets the stage for a mutually respectful relationship.
"Nagging crosses into a lack
of intimacy, lack of trust," Dr. Wade says. "You know you're nagging
when you don't trust your partner anymore, when you can't count on them, when
you lose respect for them and pull away intimately."
Try this instead: Come to a mutual
decision with your partner to drop the barriers you've built.
Revisit your deepest desires
together and make a vow to work towards them together.
"If you get to the point
where you're nagging, it's usually a symptom of a lot of things that have gone
wrong," Burley says. "It's a sign of a poor agreement or foundation
in your relationship and fractured communication. Communication needs to take
place between partners about what your code is going to be about how you
live."
Lessons for the “nagged” man
Based on the studies carried out by many
Social Scientists, it is common to find male victims of domestic violence staying
in such relationship rather than leaving. In the event of non-intention to
report abuse, male partners should apply the lessons from the above tips to
remain in the relationship in peace. You could do this effectively when you are
both in relaxed mood, and in a relatively happy mood. Such mood can equally be
intentionally created by you if chance permits it. This is the kind of mood that
could influence your spouse to want to listen to your conversation.
On such occasion, you could call her attention
to any of her noted nagging traits. If she “feels like a parent instead of a
partner”; encourage her to apply other methods to make you do something she may
like you to do, instead of been authoritarian and making you feel like an
“infant.”
Another method is to suggest a joint
decision-making approach, particularly on matters and issues that she feels you
are not doing enough. For instance, tell her to compile a list of things
necessary for the family but yet to be acquired or repairs in the house but yet
to be effected. You should both go through this list and prioritize the items
in order of importance and urgency. You should thereafter make a sincere
promise to do your best in meeting these needs based on your income. If you are
in a monthly salary employment, you could endeavour to meet at least, one of
these items at the end of each month. Where this may not be possible in a
particular month end, inform her before the month ends. This is likely to
reduce her tendency to repeat your failure to do them, as a way of reminding
you; which advertently amounts to nagging. As you do this, jointly mark off the
met needs or the repairs made on the household items as contained on the list
earlier jointly prepared.
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