Domestic Violence against Men: Speaking Out Not a Weakness

                                                     

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Domestic Violence against Men: Speaking Out Not a Weakness

Domestic violence is the intentional and persistent abuse of anyone in the home in a way that causes pain, distress or injury. It refers to any abusive treatment of one family member by another, thus violating the law of basic human rights.

Domestic violence against men is a term describing violence that is committed against men by the man’s intimate partner (Domestic Violence against Men: Balancing the Gender Issues in Nigeria – Anthony Abayomi Adebayo). Domestic violence against men is often foreshadowed by actions that may not seem like domestic violence on the surface, but do, in fact represent a series of abuses against the men, such as:

•         Using insults, name-calling, and other berating languages

•          Interfering with him seeing his family and friends

•          Threatening to expose embarrassing personal information to others

•         Showing oppressive possessiveness or jealousy

•          Restricting his spending or controlling his finances

•         Shoving, slapping, or otherwise striking him.

•        Threatening harm to themselves or others as a way to “punish” him. (Findlaw.com)

The tragedy is that men who find themselves in this situation hide and do not talk openly about what they are passing through, as talking about it will bruise their ego and expose them to ridicule in a patriarchal society. “I was beaten by my wife” is a misnomer! It is unheard of, in a male egoistic society. Hence, such men prefer to suffer in silence until it becomes critical to the point of likely death.

Men are reluctant to report or talk about their predicament primarily because most men do not see themselves as victims of the abuse. They tend to have some self-justification for their being “punished”. This is so because most violent abuses against men by their intimate partners are often based on allegation of “inadequacies” on the part of their victim spouse. Some of these allegations may include statements like:

“My husband does not take good care of me.”

“My husband is having extra-marital affairs with a strange woman.”

“My husband does not provide sufficiently for the need of the family.”

“My husband does not satisfy me sexually.”

To see the need for reporting domestic abuse against them, an abused man should ask himself the following logical questions before surrendering himself to the ridicule of his female spouse:

•        What does it cost me to speak out, or not to speak out on an abuse against me by an intimate partner - My life or the relationship?

•          Can any man really satisfy a woman?

•         Could this abuse stop, even if I do not speak out?

It has been reported that in 2011, almost five hundred thousand men were beaten by their wives in Kenya. The rising cases of husband battery is blamed on increasing “female superiority complex.” According to Robert (2001), the BBC reported that a men’s group in Kenya named Maendeleo Ya Wanaume      (“Progress of Men”) announced an initiative to protest what is becoming a growing problem of female perpetrated domestic abuse in that country. The protest will entail a nationwide boycott of meals made by their wives and partners and is supposed to encourage men to eat away from home together, and share their experiences with domestic abuse whether physical or emotional. In Kenya culture, eating your wife’s meal is said to be a very important part of a man’s expression of appreciation for his wife. Last year, the group conducted its own survey of Central and Nairobi provinces and found that up to 460,000 men said they had been subjected to some sort of domestic abuse. The two provinces have a combined population of more than seven million people. The figure represents an increase from 160,000 cases in 2009. Many women have responded defensively to the news and statistics. They say the rash of domestic violence reflects deep-seated frustration with husbands and fathers they often describe as dead-beat. The chairman of Maendeleo Ya Wanawake – “Progress for Women” – in Kiswahili, publicly stated that men who don’t provide for their families should be beaten; the result of which are deformed faces, broken legs, burnt bodies and chopped private parts.

Men victims of domestic violence should choose life and not death by speaking on what they are passing through in their respective relationships. The fear of many domestically abused men is that they are not going to be believed by the general society to be a victim of intimate partner violence. On the contrary, research has shown that public awareness is growing by the day on the reality of intimate partner violence against men and the need to support victims around the world. This has given rise to a number of Non-Governmental Organizations like HearMan Initiative, in the recent times.

Domestic violence and abuse can impact a serious physical and psychological damage on the male victim. Reaching out is the first step to protect yourself and possibly stop the abuse.

As a male victim, talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust. Better still, you can contact an appropriate Help Centre of any relevant Non-Governmental Organization that is specifically tailored to support male victims of intimate partner violence. When you meet or contact the Counsellor, you must be as honest as possible by stating what you perceived as the likely cause of the abuse from your spouse; by so doing the advice and solution will be all in-inclusive. At first, it might be difficult due to the male ego, but in the end, it is likely to bring about relief and the much-needed support

Men should not see the issue of speaking out as a weakness. Such assumption could be seen as a perceived relative “weakness” in a patriarchal society.

Understandably, it may be pretty difficult to quit an abusive relationship but there could be no help without speaking out. Domestic violence can even trigger suicide attempts. Consequently, male victims should be listened to and cared for. Male victims must also be willing to speak out on their abusive relationship. Be warned! Silence is death.

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